How I Got Here: From Atheist to Bhakta

I didn’t grow up religious. I was baptised in the Church of England, but my family was more spiritual than doctrinal. My mum was a seeker — exploring Christianity, Buddhism, Zen, and transcendental meditation — and our home was filled with crystals, incense, and spiritual books. My dad, on the other hand, was a self-proclaimed atheist. But looking back, I think he was one of the most spiritual people I’ve ever known. He faced kidney disease and years of dialysis with calm, generosity, and wisdom. He lived the values most religions only talk about.

As a teenager, I connected most with my mum’s Buddhist books. I read and reread The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, Awakening the Buddha Within, and The Heart of the Buddha’s Teachings. Hinduism at that time seemed too colourful, too mythical. I was drawn to the simplicity of Tibetan thought, and — perhaps naïvely — was fascinated by the idea of “enlightenment.”

In my twenties, my path drifted. Travel, drinking, drugs, chasing girls — you know the story. I lived in London for a few years and lost touch with any spiritual practice. But as I now understand, that was part of the path too.

In my thirties, I devoured Dawkins and Hitchens. I became a loud, logical, sarcastic atheist. I enjoyed tearing down religion with precision. And while I was still a kind person, I was drifting — running a business, raising kids, drinking too much, and losing purpose.

Something shifted around 2017. My wife encouraged me to try a yoga class. In shavasana, the teacher played a chant I’d never heard: “Jai Siya Ram, Jai Jai Hanuman.” I didn’t know what it meant, but I was deeply moved. That was the spark.

Around the same time, I became fascinated with psilocybin mushrooms — not recreationally, but as a doorway to deeper understanding. I was also reading about Ram Dass, and the dots began to connect. The man behind that beautiful chant — Krishna Das — was friends with Ram Dass. They both had the same guru: Neem Karoli Baba.

I remember the first time I saw Maharajji’s photo. Just a regular old Indian man in a blanket. But something stirred. I couldn’t stop looking at his face. I started skipping ahead in Ram Dass’ talks just to hear the stories about him.

I had my first deep psilocybin experience not long after, and it was utterly transformative. It was as though Maharajji had been guiding me the whole time — gently, patiently. I read Miracle of Love, Be Here Now, and anything I could find about this quiet saint who didn’t teach in words but through love and service.

In September 2023, on the 50th anniversary of Maharajji’s mahasamadhi, I found myself in Vrindavan — the only Westerner at his temple that day. I sang the Hanuman Chalisa, meditated, and just sat in awe. Later, I spent peaceful days at Kainchi Dham. I felt like I had come home.

Since then, my life has simplified. I don’t drink. I’m more patient. I’m trying to serve. I’m trying to remember God.

This site — The Modern Bhakti — is a way for me to honour that path. A place to share insights from Hinduism, Buddhism, Stoicism, Christianity — wherever truth shines through. Because, like Maharajji said: “All religions are the same. They all lead to God.”